Talk Dirty to Me

I am a great believer in the power of words. I am absolutely convinced that the right combination of specific words, uttered in the manner and tone of voice, will accomplish things that cannot be done if those words are not spoken.
For example, when changing a flat tire, the rusted lug nut can only be loosened by combining brute strength and a steaming tirade of four-letter words.

My two boys, while not yet equipped with those particular phrases (thank goodness) have entered that period in their lives where they are beginning to discover that certain words or phrases, said at the right times, can make interesting things happen.

Example #1 - Want to turn Mom’s face red AND make your brother laugh hysterically? When standing in the grocery store check-out line, announce in a very loud voice, “I just made a big stinker!” This generates a look of alarm from anyone standing nearby; the immediate ‘shushing’ from one or both parents, and sighs of relief from those standing upwind from the group. This will also cause your brother, between peals of laughter, to respond with, “I just made a REALLY big stinker,” at which point both boys become helpless with laughter.

When they’re on a role this can go on for 5 excruciatingly long minutes. Sometimes longer.

This is not dependent upon actually farting, of course. The fart, real or imagined, is not material. It’s the phrase, said loudly in public, that makes the magic happen.

Example #2. There is almost never a bad time to say the word “Poop.” Everything from, “I have to poop” to “I smell poop” or even “He’s poopy” (referencing the other brother) will cause a chain reaction of events – racing to the bathroom, severe admonitions from parents to stop saying that, and startled glances from anyone standing nearby. There is actually a term, ‘Poop-fest’ which describes the spiraling circle of death that occurs when both boys use ‘poop’ as an insult to describe each other:

“You’re a poop!”

“No, you’re a poop!”

“You’re a STINKY POOP!”

(Laughing) “You’re a really stinky poop!”

(Laughing really hard) “You’re a nasty stinky poop!!!”

(Laughing so hard he has to pause) “You’re a poop (laughter) WITH CORN IN IT!!!!!”

At this point both boys will be so far gone with laughter it will take 20 minutes to get back to normal. I’m talking rolling on the floor, gasping with delight laughter. Parental involvement is limited to trying to avoid one or both boys’ deaths from asphyxiation from laughing so hard.

It’s even funnier to them if they can pull this off at the dinner table. Which they have.

Believe it or not, Poop is also a term of endearment.

I was tucking Chris into bed the other night. He was so tired he could hardly keep his eyes open. “Goodnight, Chris. I love you.”

“You’re the best Poop ever, Dad,” he said softly.

Somehow I don’t think I’ll try that line on my wife.

It’s Great to be The Family Man.