Super Hero

Last night I had to make a run to the mega home improvement chain warehouse. It feels like I go there at least once a week. Me, and everyone else in my town, it seems. That place is always busy. I think it has its own zip code.

So I climbed into my SUV, put on the seat belt, adjusted the mirrors, and just about had a heart attack.

Two strangers were sitting in the back seats.

It took me a second to recognize them, but when I did I was even more confused.

Superman and Batman were in my ride.

No, I’m not kidding. The actual Superman. Blue suit, red cape, big ‘S’ on his chest. The actual Batman as well. Full-on black mask, cape, and utility belt. That iconic bat logo on his chest.

I’m not talking about wimpy old Adam West here. I mean the full on, brooding, scowling Batman.

So I sat there for a second, looking at them in my mirror, a bit too intimidated to turn around. I mean, think about it. One minute you’re on your way out to run an errand, the next minute you’re in the company of two of the most powerful heroes in the world. In Superman’s case, the whole universe.

Have I committed some terrible crime against humanity that I somehow forgot about?

Well, they didn’t say anything and I couldn’t think of anything else to do, so I started the car and drove to the mega home improvement chain warehouse.

The whole way there they were silent. Stone faced. My attempts at small talk were met with steely glares. So I did the smart thing – I shut up and drove.

We got to the mega home improvement chain warehouse, parked in the outer borough and walked in. I wondered if Superman would fly, but he didn’t.

Now I’ve been to this particular mega home improvement chain warehouse a billion times. Every other time I’ve gone I’ve been just like 98% of all the other guys in there – wandering around looking for the items on my list, the very list I left on the counter at home. Looking through 500 faucet rings, trying to match the one in my faucet, not having any success. Looking in vain for a guy in an orange apron who can help.

But this visit was different.

Now I know how a rock star feels. Or maybe the President. Because when I walked into the store that day, everyone stopped and stared. A hush fell over the entire building.

Jaws literally hung open.

As I moved down the aisle the crowd parted before me as though they were the Red Sea and I was Moses. People could not take their eyes off me. I could almost read their minds – “who is this man, to be in the company of not one, but TWO of the most powerful superheroes of all time?”

Okay, I admit. They weren’t looking at me. They were looking at Superman and Batman. Wouldn’t you? I mean, I’m not exactly hard on the eyes, but even on my best day I don’t fill out a latex jumpsuit like these two guys.

Still, I have to believe some of the aura carried over to me.

The entire time these two guys were stone cold silent. If they were even aware of the attention they were getting, they didn’t let on. I was surprised, at first, but then I realized these guys get this sort of treatment everywhere they go. It’s just another day at the office for them.

For me, it was a trip down the red carpet. Or in this case, the orange carpet.

Because for the first time ever, people in orange aprons actually wanted to help me. In fact, I’d say more people in orange aprons offering to help me than I’ve in my last 250 visits to this store combined. They came from every department, the checkout stands, the back room. One guy drove up on his forklift. I debated asking Superman to move it, but I guess he didn’t feel like showing off.

The women in the orange aprons were particularly attentive. It only makes sense. And in case you haven’t noticed, some of them are quite pretty – as pretty as you can be in an orange apron. I kind of lingered there for a moment, enjoying the moment.

I’m not even going to make a reference to the Tool department, so get that ugly thought out of your head. I’m The Family Man, for Pete’s sake!

Anyway, with all this help I was quickly able to get the items I needed, even with my list safely forgotten at home. We sailed through checkout, normally a 20 minute affair on a good day. Made the long hike back to the SUV.

I half-expected one or both of these guys to run of fly off to rescue someone, respond to a train about to jump the tracks, or prevent an asteroid from destroying the planet. I looked in the sky but did not see the Bat Signal. Then again, we’re a long way from Gotham out here in the Rockies.

But they got into my truck. We all buckled up and headed for home.

I began to suspect something was odd when Batman spoke up from the back. To this point he hadn’t said a word all night. And what he said then was a command, not a conversation.

"Turn on the Dancing Music."

Would you have argued with him? Neither did I.

So I did as ordered, and the rest of the ride home took place with the vehicle rocking to the sound of Will Smith’s ‘Men In Black’ and the Eagles ‘Get Over It.’

We got to my house. What would happen now? I got out and went in the door. Superman and Batman followed me in as if they lived there.

My house may not be ‘Better Homes and Gardens’ material, but it’s no Bat Cave either.

I dropped off my purchases in the garage, then went immediately upstairs to find Chris and Tommy. I wanted to tell them all about my adventure. They would be sad to know they had missed meeting Superman and Batman.

I went into Tommy’s bedroom first. Imagine my surprise when I saw Batman in his bed.

I didn’t know what to do. Fortunately, Batman took care of that for me.

And I learned something about him that I’ll bet you won’t see in his most recent movie.

Mask firmly still in place over his face, he looked up at me and said, “Would you check under my bed and make sure there are no Monsters there?”

Batman afraid of Monsters?

Still, I did as he asked. There were none. I told him so.

“Thanks, Super Dad,” he said softly.

Wow.

I guess I’m now a Superhero too.

It’s great to be The Family Man.