Shop 'til you drop

Last weekend was a Major Shopping Event for me. Now many of you might find a Major Shopping Weekend a very exciting thing, and I might too, if I were shopping for home electronics, books, or camping equipment. But alas, this weekend was one of those ‘have to do it, can’t put it off any longer, let’s get this over as quickly as possible’ Shopping Events

I had to buy new eyeglasses and new dress shoes.

To set (or re-set, since I’ve been one so long) the scene, I do wear eyeglasses. I am nearsighted, have been since second grade. I have worn contacts in the past but for the past several years I’ve stuck with the glasses. I would have kept the glasses I’ve had for the past three years, except they broke in half last week and my backup pair is so old the prescription had gone out of date. They gave me a headache when I wore them.

My dress shoes are even older than my glasses were. There were holes in the soles. When the parking lot was wet my socks would get damp. That really didn’t bother me – it doesn’t rain that much here, and I like wasting money on new shoes about as much as I like flushing $100 bills down the toilet. I was willing to keep the shoes for a few more months, at lest until winter set in. But when I told my wife I was going to go choose new frames and get a decent, current pair of glasses, she insisted on coming along. “And you’re getting new shoes,” she said. “That’s that.”

So off we went to the mall.

Of course it was a beautiful day, the type of day it should be criminal to be inside a shopping mall. I mean, really, the Activity Police should be at every entrance of the mall issuing citations for Unconscionable Waste of Sunshine to everyone going in. But no such luck today. With MBW leading the charge I mope my way inside.

To the franchise Eyeglasses outlet we go. The manager, young enough to be my son, was very helpful. He showed us several frames that were, in turn, “Edgy, Hip, and very Mod." After hearing these descriptions I said to him, “You are very nice and helpful. But I’m 46 years old. I’m getting gray hair. There’s nothing edgy, hip or very mod about me. I just want to see clearly and not look like a dork. Do you have a section for guys like me?”

He looked at me and said “You don’t look a day over 40!”

I said, “Do you work on commission?”

After some further searching we landed on a pair of frames that, with the correct lenses,will allow me to see clearly. I can’t tell you if they look good, and frankly I don’t really care. At this point in my life I’ll settle for not looking bad. They said the glasses would be ready in about an hour. We said we’d come back then to pick them up.

As we left the store MBW said, “Now let’s go get your new shoes!”

I turned back to the manager and said, “See you next weekend!”

That earned me a sharp elbow to the ribs.

This is where MBW is in her element. Shoes. Preferably women’s shoes, of course, but really any shoes will do. She pored over the displays. She knew all the brands. After what seemed like months of consideration, she selected half-a-dozen styles for me to try on.

The poor sales associate needed a dolly to wheel all the shoes out of the back room.

After I tried on the first pair and took a few steps I said to the clerk, “These will do just fine. Box them up and charge my card.” MBW simply glowered at me and favored me with another sharp elbow to the ribs.

45 minutes later I had dutifully tried on each of the selected pairs of shoes, some twice. We settled on a pair of black dress shoes that she liked, and fortunately for me did not hurt my feet too badly. By the time we went back to pick up my glasses and leave the mall I expected it to be next week, or certainly well after dark. But what seemed like a weekend stay in the county jail was really only about two hours of agony.

So today I go into work with my new glasses and shoes. The first thing MBW says to me when I walk in the door at the end of the day is, “Did anyone notice your shoes?”

“No,” I say.

“Did anyone comment on your new glasses?”

“No.”

“I’m sorry,” she said. “Do you feel bad?”

I wanted to laugh.

Instead, I said, “I’ll get over it.” She gave me a hug, and then I said, “The best part is these new glasses allow me to see how truly beautiful you are. I am the luckiest guy in the world to have such a beautiful wife.”

What happened next made the pain and suffering at the mall all worthwhile.

It’s Great to be The Family Man.